Beyond Green Eyes Lies Something Dark and Awful
by SmeagolAndMe
Summary: ((This fic...)) Harry Potter is zapped into another demiension, and is tasked to aide a peculiar group of people. WARNING! PARODY, HUMOR, CROSSOVER, DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS, First chappie starts a bit off-task! Sorry!
1. Arrival of the Three

Disclaimer: I don't own Teletubbies, Lord of the Rings, or anything to do with X-men or Marvel Comics. I Wish I owned Kurt though. None of this assorted crap is mine. Not even the vocabulary. Other people made it up. If this crap were mine, I would have actual money.  
  
AN: This fic is supposed to suck. Well, we've got that cleared up. I'm writing this because My friend Jem said I had to.  
  
RISE OF THE TELETUBBIES: CHAPTER ONE- The plot.  
  
Gather round, boys, girls, small hermaphrodites, and all you marmosets out there, and listen to the story I have to tell you! A long time ago there lived a group of multicolored and apparently asexual beings called Teletubbies. Now these Teletubbies lived in a land of rolling green hills, shining blue skies, and insane custard machines.  
  
Now this land of the Teletubbies was inhabited by four of these rotund, fuzzy beings, and their King, a small child on a golden throne, way up high in the sky, and his beautiful queen, Queen Pinwheel! But the actual land was owned by various development firms, wildlife preserves, and the occasional eccentric.  
  
The names of the Four Teletubbies were: Po, the little red one, Dipsy and Lala a yellow and green of medium size, and the big, fat, purple Teletubbie, Tinkywinky himself! Now these Teletubbies lived happily, playing on the hills around their little metal igloo, trying on hats, and standing in circles to see whose gay little stomach monitor would turn on and show films of bratty little British Children.  
  
One day, after heeding their Queen's call to 'Tele bye-bye', the four friends were just standing around, occasionally fending off the various mushy-food machines about the bomb shelter. Suddenly Lala pipes up, saying,  
  
"Weem, whop woo woo, goof aah, meep noo faaa!" To which Po responded,  
  
"Too! Doo gomd ba Numf!" This debate persisted quite some time. During the course of the conversation, The Teletubbies discovered several points:  
1-They were being oppressed by their almost-a-dictatorship Monarchy.  
2-They would have to do some thing about this, but would need more troops  
to pull it off.  
3-They were disgustingly bloated and hairy.  
  
They were about to discuss point 2, (1 being the topic of most of the conversation, and 3 being agreed upon to deal with after a new capitalist- democracy had been established) when the door of their little bomb shelter blew down in a haze of blue and octarine sparks.  
  
To this Tinkywinky exclaimed,  
  
"Holy Shit, man!"

Upon closer inspection, he noticed three figures lying in the dust. "Who the hell are you all?" he asked them, waddling over as fast as his fat, furry rump would allow. The other three Tele's followed suit. Brushing off the dust, the three figures stood up. The shortest one stepped forward as the last remaining moats cleared. Clearing the throat to speak, he began,  
  
"Those two are Legolas, the tall one, and the middle tall one is Kurt. Oh, and I'm Harry. Harry Potter."  
  
Foot notes: Hey! You! Leave a review, won'tcha?


	2. Hexagon of Silence

Disclaimer: Still don't own this. Why would I?  
  
A/N: For any of you wondering why the first chapter started about the Teletubbies, it's because I needed to get in the setting. Harry is going to provide most of the actual story. The tubby-ones are just there for setting, surrealism factor, and flinging strained carrots.  
  
Quick Recap: Harry just blew down the door, and introduced himself and his almost-not-existing-in-this-story cohorts.  
  
Chapter two: Hexagon of Silence.  
  
The four Teletubbies crowded around Harry, Legolas, and Kurt. Tinkywinky said something unintelligible to Lala, and she waddled off. Meanwhile, Harry, Legolas, and Kurt were huddled together, trying to figure out where they were.  
  
"It's some trick of Voldemort's! I'm sure it is. It's some kind of freakish death eater realm." Harry whispered furiously.  
  
"Nay, it is the land of Mordor. Some glamour has been put o'er even my perfect Elven eyes by the foul wizard Saruman the Psychedelic."  
  
"Voldemort!"  
  
"Mordor!"  
  
Harry and Legolas bantered about this for quite some time, during which Kurt looked all around, ate some custard, threw it back up, and fought off the rabid vacuum cleaner. Lala finally waddled back, and handing a green crayon and little chair-shaped notebook to Tinkywinky. The three travelers stopped to watch Tinkywinky, whose brow was furrowed and sweat ridden with the effort of conveying his message to paper. Finally he finished, handing over the paper with a triumphant "Dumf!".  
  
Legolas took it, turned it over, sideways, and even looked at the back of the sheet before handing it to Kurt. Kurt looked at it. He brought it very close to his face, held it out very far, and experimented with the distances between. Shrugging, he handed it to Harry. What Harry saw there was the most hideous mass of squiggles, curves, lines, and dots he had ever seen. "Good lord!" he exclaimed, "It's Michael Jackson!" Lala and Dipsy just shook their heads, and frog marched Harry to a circle of six seats. They shoved him down, and Legolas and Kurt sat down also. Tinkywinky, Lala, and Dipsy took seats. Po concussed the custard machine, and pressed a button somewhere inside it. A clear plastic hexagon descended over the chairs, and Po on the floor.. Kurt yelped as his tail almost got caught, and Dipsy and Lala giggled at him. Kurt shot them a look. Tinkywinky cleared his throat.  
  
"Vait, vhich one are you, again?" Kurt asked Tinkywinky. "I can never keep your names straight."  
  
"Um, my name's actually Joseph." He said, shrugging. The green one was apparently called Ethel, the yellow James, and the little red one was Edgar.  
  
"And why couldn't you speak out there?" asked Harry.  
  
"Um, hexagon of Silence. We can speak. The king doesn't want us to talk." He said, muttering.  
  
"And why not?" Prompted Potter.  
  
"Cause... he can't talk, cause he's got no teeth." He said, stifling a giggle.  
  
"Right. Um, who cares? What can he do to you?" asked Harry.  
  
The fat green one looked uncomfortable. The yellow one looked nauseous. The Purple one looked at the ceiling. But strangely, the little red one looked glee. Harry, Kurt, and Legolas looked disturbed by this. "Pray tell, Small One," Legolas asked, "Why are you so joyous when you're comrades look solemn?" P- Edgar just shrugged. "Well, what bcan the king do then, that is so fearful." Edgar smiled. He said in a low, dark voice, "Let's just say there used to be five teletubbies."  
  
Kurt shrieked, and fell over. 


	3. Explainations, Martial arts, and weapons...

Disclaimer: Let's break up the word Fan-fiction, shall we? Fan= someone who enjoys a certain person's work. Fiction= stuff that never happened. So fan- fiction means... THIS JUNK AIN'T MINE.  
  
A/N: 'ack'- I know he can't talk. It's a plot device.

'The Forest Ranger'- Right.

'Schubaltz'- Thanks.

'H ! f o'- Don't make me cause you pain.  
  
Also, this is my longest chapter yet. yay  
  
Chapter Three: Don't shoot the Messenger.  
  
While Lala was patting Kurt's brow with a wet cloth, Harry and Legolas we being given a tour.  
  
"That's the custard machine. And there's the vacuum." Tinkywinky said, pointing to the two appliances playing chess. "That's the breakfast table, and the door." He said, finishing the tour.  
  
"Well, that was... Extensive." Harry said, tapping a foot.  
  
"Do shut up." Edgar sighed, shaking his head. "Anyway, we don't even know what you're doing here, or how you got here."  
  
"Vould you like us to tell you?" Kurt asked, now sitting up. He waved Lala away, and she took a few paces back, fluttering her eyelashes. Kurt shuddered.  
  
"Please, enlighten me."  
  
"Vell, ve all arrived in different vays. I vas teleporting, a jump I had made countless times, and ven I touched down, I realized I vasn't vere I should be. I looked around, and saw the other two."  
  
"Yeah, he was the last one, by about a minute." Harry added. "I woke up, and reached for my glasses. I felt a zap, like really intense static electricity. I think I yelled, but I opened my eyes, and saw I was here. And there was Legolas. Go on, tell them your bit."  
  
"Very well." Legolas began. "I was riding along the plains of Rohan, when suddenly Whatchamahoozit, my faithful steed, stopped short. I was thrown forward and rolled down the hill. Suddenly, I felt as if I were floating. There was a swirling mass of colors around me, and small, blonde girls holding large, bloated fish upon sticks. Behind them stood a male, with blonde hair. He laughed an evil laugh. An evil laugh that laughed evil in an evil way of evilness," Legolas said, giving them a strange look. "I felt I should be frightened, but I was euphoric. The boy said, 'I'm Jem. You're about to be transported into the tenth level of hell, don't ask me, It's just a job, please have the nicest time possible. If you would like to lodge a complaint, I'm certain Satan has some time available.'  
  
And with this, he pulled a lever. I plummeted, and when I hit the ground, there were grinning fish floating upside down in front of me. It was," and here he paused, looked out at the audience and grinned, saying, "Psychedelic."  
  
"And then you woke up?" Lala prompted.  
  
"Indeed, O tubby one. How didst thou know?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Seemed right." She said. A strange laugh filled the air. "Gasp!" gasped Lala, "It's Nuu nuu! The traitor vacuum machine."  
  
"Yes, fat Lala, whose blubber is exceedingly hairy. I have just sent the T- mail that will seal your fate."  
  
"Whoa, vait. T-mail?" Kurt asked.  
  
"Tubby Mail!" Po cried as he launched himself at the double-crossing appliance. With a series of Powerful Kung-fu-kwan-chi-jitsu-pow-tea-do- kerpangalangadingdong moves, he reduced the Enemy to a smoldering pile of metal that's well, smoldering. Just then, came a ring upon the doorbell!  
  
"Aha ha! The doorbell! I shall be getting that, so I actually make it into this fic! Unlike Tinkywinky, star explainer, and Po, master of mayhem, and Lala, Kurt's obvious love interest. And the Three Travelers, who are basically the stars! So I shall be getting the doorbell" stated Dipsy.  
  
"All right! Just get on with it!" said Harry. Dipsy glared at him and did. He waddled over to the door. He opened the door. He cursed, and slammed the door. "Tinkywinky, get the door." He said, not looking at the door. "Po! The door!" Tinkywinky said, pointing at the door. "Woot!" Po said, kicking open the door. The person outside it yelped, and said quickly, "I'm just the messenger, don't shoot!" Po grumbled, lowered the bazooka and turned around. "Here you go, John."

"Whoa, pause, time out." Harry said, gesturing with his hands. "Who is this dude, and where did he come from? And what about th other guy, outside?" The young man smiled.  
  
"Hi, I'm John. I make the weapons."  
  
A/N: Whooooo!! Weren't that wunnerful?


	4. And now for something completely differe...

A/N: My first chapter in about... forever! Yay! Okay, lotsa questions are gonna be answered in this chapter, I hope. But first, I need a drink!

Ahhh, much better! Okay. John is a real person. I know him well. I'm not quite certain who the messenger is yet. I'm basically making this up as I go. What I do is I figure out where I want to get to in the story, and fill in the details as I work through. Okay? Good. All shall be explained, grasshoppers.

Quick Summary: The messenger just came, and John introduced himself. Right. That's pretty good!

"Ookay." Harry said. "That answers my first question, I suppose. But what about the messenger?" A murmur of assent passed through the tiny, tiny crowd. They all turned to look at the figure standing outside, Kurt swatting Legolas with his tail, whose fat Elfish head was blocking his view.

The boy standing out side the door looked to be about 13 or 14 years of age. He had bright blue eyes, pale, slightly freckled skin, and dark, tousled hair. His hair made him look rather a bit like a Beatle, in the Ringo Starr sense, rather than in the Dung sense. He was wearing a silly-looking Hawaiian flower tee, and a pair of ill-fitting jeans. His nails were abnormally short, and he had funny shaped fingers.

"Strange, I feel as if I could take an entire paragraph to describe this boy," Legolas began, "But he looks as if he will make only a short appearance in this tale. Not that I'm saying our lives are a story, or that we are only characters in books. No, nothing like that. Nope."

"Oh, no." Harry moaned. "I know this bugger. He's one of my stunt doubles. Name's Rob O'Spork, or something along those lines. Just... let him speak, and then please, Kill him."

"Will do, bossman!" Po cackled.

"Vait, zomezing is messed up here. Vee just spent about ten minutes, and vee still haff no Idea who zis John Person izz." Said someone, who's accent makes him quite unrecognizable.

"I'm John. I make the weapons, add some kind of moral fiber to this cesspit of a story, and sometimes play my clarinet!"

"So you're like.... Squidward?" Dipsy said. "I mean, he's got a clarinet, too. Right? Or is that Patrick? I can never keep them straight."

"Sure. Squidward. Take that Idea and run with it." John said, nodding. Dipsy squealed with delight, and proceeded to run in a sort of random fashion, until hitting the wall and falling unconscious. "Oops." John said.

"Hey, hey!! That was like, a Page's worth of violations, right there man! I'm New York scum!" Rob shouted!! "You're not allowed to talk coherently! Or say naughty words!"

"Yes? Is this all you had to say?" Tinkywinky asked.

"No. Um, ya'll have to go to the palace, or something, I forget. But anyway, you're awaiting trial."

"Trial for what? WE didn't do anything!" Harry said. "Well, Legolas might have, Noone's really looked at him at all in a while. So It's his fault."

"I heard my name." Legolas said, standing to attention.

"Umm... what are you doing, elf-dude?" Rob asked. "Nevermind, it doesn't matter. Here, catch." He threw a pointy little ball at harry. Harry, true to his seeker training, dropped it.

"Nice one. Truely elegant." Nightcrawler said.

"Oh shut up. What is this, anyway?" Harry asked Rob. "Oh, wait, I think I know! It's a plot, device, right? Old Rowling uses this model all the time."

"Really? Vhat sort?"

"It's an old Phase-scene Mk. 2! Garunteed to get you any distance time or space in under 50 words and one page break! I know how to de-active these things. Just pres this button right... here." Harry said, pressing a button right there.

"Um, actually that's a Mk. 3, and that's the start button. We altered it a little."

"What?! How much longer do we have?"

"Err, 28 words and a double space."

"Oh No..." Suddenly, the Trio, the 'Tubbies, Rob, and John were all in front of a huge castle type thing, complete with impossible architecture, dead tree, and raving, flame engulfed maniac. In front of the gate there was a man wearing jeans, a rainbow vest, and beads. He had small, rectangular glasses on, and long, dark hair. Next to him stood John Cleese. John Cleese began to speak.

"Ahh, welcome. This is the part of the show where we kill off Rob O'somethingorother, and leave the readers with a cliffhanger they cannot possibly understand unless they were with the author at that exact moment in time." The group all looked at rob, and backed away hurriedly. Rob looked around, and exploded. In a rather atomic way. "Ah, Jolly good. that's one bit done with. And now, the cliff-hanger you will not understand!" The man that had been standing next to Mr. Cleese Stepped forward.

"Oh, god no..." Harry gasped.

"Hey, this is groovy, y'know? Like, long time no see, Brother Harry. And welcome to the rest of you groovy brothers and sisters of flower power. Like, I'm Severus. "

A/N: I've parodied myself in my own parody. Is that even allowed?


End file.
